Gossip

Gossip, as you know, can be lots of fun. Without it, most functions or parties would be as interesting as Gyaani Baba’s pravachan!

But not anymore…

To this day, I pledge… I pledge that I'll never gossip again.

I refuse to gossip about my classmate Srisrujamohini’s boyfriend's other girlfriend...

Or the next door neighbor aunty’s son, who tried to bribe the watchman to bring in a suspicious looking packet, wonder what it was!!!

I even refuse to gossip about the psycho next door, who ran away with his sister’s pet monkey...

After all this isn't a gossip blog. If it were, I'd have to lower my standards - rely on untruths & half-truths - put up with a lot more readers…

Who wants that!!!!!

Lot more readers did someone say?

Cowards blog everyday...

The brave blaaag but, once in a while!!!

-Ma Kido Devi

Thumbs err...

I was thumbing through a magazine today when I came across (you guessed it) Reddy uncle’s thumb... Reddy uncle… Arey yaar!!! The MD & supermodel of Kantri Country club.

As a rule (of thumb), I see it at least twice a day. And trust me, it's getting out of hand!!!

While the lovely little thumb has many uses, this is by far the most novel application of any thumb I've ever seen.

Reddy uncle’s thumb seems to be the most alluring aspect of his persona. There isn't any doubt that he’s overplayed his hand!!!

Dear Reddy uncle, being an entrepreneur, I understand how tempting it must be for you to have your thumb, oops! finger in every pie. But, I believe it’s high time you desist. Let me try telling you in a manner you may fathom. Your ads? Two thumbs down!!!

Take my advice - don’t burn your thumb, oops! fingers!!! It’s time you let this matter out of your hands… Figuratively speaking…

If you don’t read this post now, you’ll hate yourself later

I just looked through an interesting book called "The Book of Questions" in which Dr. Gregory Stock throws out at you poses more than 400 questions that really help you explore your values, morals, beliefs, whatever, whatever...

Some are quiet simple questions, such as "Do you ever spit in public?" Others are questions that really test your values, such as "Would you be willing to eat 100 live crickets to become Shahrukh Khan’s driver?"

Fine, I changed the last question a little, but I haven't changed any of the following. I'm just going to answer them straight away… Ji haan… Abhi… Seedhey seedhey… Jaldi jaldi:

Question: In a nice restaurant, after getting the check for an excellent meal, you notice that you were not charged for one of the items you ate. What would you tell the waitress?

Answer: Thank you.

Q: If you were at a friend's house for Thanksgiving dinner and you found a dead cockroach in your salad, what would you do?

A: Toss it into my friend’s bowl. That way, I won't embarrass my friend and also do what was taught to me in school: share.

Q: What was your best experience with drugs or alcohol? Your worst experience?

A: Best: When I had them. Worst: When my driver had them.

Q: For $20,000 would you go for three months without washing, brushing your teeth or using deodorant?

A: Most certainly! (B/w how much would you pay people around me?)

Q: If you went to a movie with a friend and it was lousy; would you leave?

A: Maybe. Maybe not. I’m not sure… I know an answer can’t be more abstract, but I don’t want to go in boring detail. For further clarifications, you could mail me.

Q: If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone?

A: I would regret having told my parents how much I love & value my dolls & they better not touch them!

Q: What are you most scared of?

A: The readers finding out that this is a bogus question & the title of the post was just a gimmick to capture their attention.

PS. 1) The book is for real... Click HERE for more details...

2) I just received another blaaaag awaaard... Thank you Shilps :-)

UPDATE:

Yet another blaaag awaaard... Thank you Uncle Srini :-)

Happy Budday

Miss Kido turned another year younger yesterday (26th of August)

Uncle Srini has dedicated a post to her...

You may read it HERE...

Advice column HERE...

Gifts are still accepted

(Click for detailed view)

Happy Ganesha Chaturthi :-)

Normal-Regular-Post-See-Below

Advice column II

The advice column is back

(Advice Column I HERE)

Theek hai... Theek hai... I get the point... Stop howling & whistling... Arey... Bas karo bacchon...

Anyway, without wasting further time, here goes:

PS. No names have been changed to protect the guilty.

{Click on names to go to their respective blogs}

Guru Maiyya,

I have a mole on my left cheek. Also, the nail on my right index finger chipped off last night when i banged my fist into a wall. Thirdly, my right nostril is slightly bigger than my left one.

So pray, tell me...how much equity should i have in my portfolio?

CRD

Dekho beta CRD, the handsome fellow that you are, you should concentrate on how to get a bargain from your photographer & not on how you should look…

You must realise that ‘Beauty comes within’ (now don’t ask me where ugly comes from… I don’t know either)

Forget looking for external beauty or sane answers in my advice column. You are just facing a lifetime of lies & deception from everyone, including myself (I mean, I actually called you handsome… Gosh… I lie well…) your-own-self…

So go out there, little boy & get a great deal of bargain…

Good luck…

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How do I differentiate a bad guy from a good guy? So difficult nowadays...

Dhanya

Dear Dhanya,

‘A bad guy from a good guy’ is this line taken from a song???

Anyway, you know what, rather, who the problem is? It’s you… Yes Dhanya, YOU… YOU… YOU…

It’s difficult to walk away from something without classifying it as right or wrong. Good or bad. Black or white. Meetha ya khatta.

Some people have a tough time doing that. And you seem to be one of them…

Honestly, I suggest you buy ‘The Ultimate Book on Spiritual inSanity’ by Ma Kido Devi… And visit her blaaag thrice a day, without fail…

May peace be upon you, child!!!

(Others, please place your orders in the comment section)

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How shall i tell my boss in a subtle manner that he is one of the most stupidest person i have ever come across in my entire life span

Gayathri

Dear Gayathri, I’m sure a lot of people out there would like to know how to do that…

And I, the wonderful, cute, charming, sweet little Miss Kido, have the perfect solution to it…

Give your boss a few pennies & ask him to take a chai-paani break…

Go to his laptop… Open MS Word & type ‘I, (his name) am the most stupidest person I, myself, have ever come across in my entire life span’

Take a screenshot of the Word document & save it.

Now hide all the desktop icons & set this saved image as the (desktop) wallpaper.

When your boss comes back after his cheap chai-paani break, he’ll click all over the desktop wondering why his laptop isn’t working right.

He’ll restart it many times, the desktop image will come back, & the EVIL cycle repeats. Muhahahaha

(PS. If he still doesn’t get the message, you are free to bang his head on the laptop)

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If the speed of light is 299,792,458 m/s and the sun is 92,900,000 miles far from the earth, how do i stifle an itch on the back when i'm in a meeting with the top management?

Blunt edges

Dear BE,

The following Bhojpuri films were released b/w 1970-1979:

Dher Chalaki Jinkara (1971)

Daku Rani Ganga (1976) {Which happens to be my favourite}

Amar Suhagin (1978)

Balam Pardesia (1979)

So, the next time your back itches, just go ahead & scratch, simple…

Don’t forget, No stifle only simple…

Good luck

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How can we make sure that there is no possibility that miss kido is not a frsutoo/despo middle aged guy, who is impersonating a witty, happy go lucky gal so that he can have his share of fame, which he couldn't get being himself, false may be?

Ankit

NAHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…

Yeh tumne kya kiya Ankit bete??? Mera pardaa sabke saamne phaash kardiya???

FINE, now that you’ve told the whole world about it… I’ll share my actual profile with you:

Photu:

(Looks, as you know, can be deceptive… I only look like a foreigner… But I’m a sachha-pucca desi)

Name: Sasi Parkaas

Age: 63

Job: Jobless

Address: Stranded somewhere in the jungles of Chhapra, Bihar

Hobby: Blogging & pretending to be a witty, happy go lucky gal (as Ankit beta put it)

Why blog as ‘Miss Kido’: My dear girlfriend Damyanti had child-like features… Isiliye I would call her Kido (Click for photograph). Her parents got her married to Syaaam Sunder who looked like a bandar… So meri pyaari Damyanti ki yaad mey I named myself ‘Miss Kido’

Syaam Sunder's photu: (on popular demand)

I (Sasi Parkaas) LOOK SO MUCH BETTER!!!

(PS. This was just an equally crazy answer to an equally wacky question…

So, please keep the ‘Oh, so Kido is not a sweet little girl… Awww…’ or ‘You’re not a kid nor a girl… Hoh’ type comments to yourself)

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Apne solutions pe itna ovr confidence kyu hei aapko??

Priya

Pyaari nyaari raaj dulaari PJ,

Gunaah hai kya???

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If I ask the best question what would be the best award that I can get?

Quest

Dear Quest,

I shall make you listen to Altaf Raja’s songs…

There’s no way you’ll survive now… Muhahahaha

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HAAALP me .....

After killing 100 mice, I feel kinda sad for them.... Wat shud I do? :(

The Dark Knight

Dear Dark Knight,

Now now, Dark Knight, I know you’ve killed 100 German mice (B/w chuhey maarne ke liye tum Dhaaravi chale jaatey, itni door Germany kyun gaye???)…

Anyway, don’t worry, I have a very numerological solution to that…

According to my calculations, you should change the letters in your name… The paapi-dusht-murder-minded ‘A’ in your name must be replaced with the highly shaanth & balanced ‘O’…

So from this day onwards I declare you as the Peace loving ‘DORK KNIGHT’

Congratulations!!! Bhagwaan bhalaa karey!!!

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What should one do if you are at a place which has only two seasons - summer and very hot summer?

Abhishek

Dear Abhishek,

Visit a place that has 2 other seasons namely – winter & very cold winter… Then, you’ll be in a position to appreciate your place…

Jai Hind!!!

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Coming to the awaaard…

The awaaaard for the wackiest best question goes to Mr. Ankit Garg…

*Applause Applause*

Click HERE for photograph of the winner.

Congratulations Ankit, here’s you awaaard:

Hope you find a place for it in your blog :-)

UPDATE I: I just received another blaaag awaaard... Thanks Pri :-)

UPDATE II: Yet another blaaag awaaard... Thanks Sow :-)

Happy Independence Day :-)

WHY? WHY? WHY?

NO... This is NOT my photograph...

I look much better...

HERE's my photograph...

Warning: Terribly boring post. Badly written. You have been warned!!!

There are topics that every self-respecting blogger ought to write about, & while I’m a so called, insane little blogger & I claim to possess oodles of that thing called self-respect, I’m also an extremely lazy busy little girl...

My reason behind blogging was, well, I mean, it is… It’s, you know... A secret, yes of course, it’s a secret...

A word of caution: Continue at your own risk

Honestly, tell me something, why does one blog??? (Now, now my dear, I’m not interested in listening to that “Chacha Chaudhary ke dimaag computer se bhi tez moment”-wala gyaan of how blogging is an essential exercise that purges one’s system completely)

Even the more honestly, tell me, why on earth does one read blogs when there exist much much much more exciting web pages?

For instance, we have:

The one stop shop for everything Bhojpuri: http://bhojpuria.com/goto.php?page=cinema.html

The most ghatiya besht news channel’s even the more ghatiya besht website: http://aajtak.intoday.in/

Et al…

There are so many much more important things that one could do, than read blogs:

1) Look at decayed roses placed between stinking yellowed pages of profound knowledge giving books like Rapidex ‘How to pataofy a boy/girl’.

2) Create spit art on walls, right below the board that reads ‘Yahan thookna manaa hai’ or ‘Not iss-spitting here’.

3) Play C-grade-Govinda-category Hindi movie songs loudly & trouble your neighbour… Don’t forget to throw rotten tomatoes at their grandmother in case they complain…

4) Invite pests guests for dinner & get done with the ‘chaar din pehle ka’ leftover (B/w, anybody free tonight? I’m organizing a get-together at my place…)

5) Or the best thing to do, listen to Altaf Raja’s songs…

There’s my all-time favourite: Tum toh there pardesi

The dil-touching: Ja Bewafa Ja

The one & only video featuring Raja-ji dancing (Added attraction: It features Mithun Da too): Ishq aur pyaar ka

Itna sab padhne ke baad you’re still here??? Tch tch… Tumhara kuch nahi ho sakta…

Anyway, I’ll take leave… ‘Ishq aur pyaar ka’ video load ho chukka hai… Namashkar…

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Am I outrageously crazy? Am I out of my mind? Do I need therapy? Maybe…

(PS. Those who say things like “Of course not sweetie, you’re such an intelligent little kid” or “Oh come-on Kido, enough of kidding, you are one of the sweetest, most charming & sane persons I’ve ever come across” get a FREE CANDY!!!)

[PS. Entries for advice column still open]

On a much more serious note, please have a look at THIS & pass it on... Stay safe... Take care :-)

B/w don't forget to collect your award (See previous post)